Source: TheDaddyComplex.com – His book is out in 2015
News flash, Daddies can wipe kids runny noses and little bare bottoms!
I know you are thinking, well duh, of course they can. Now what if that daddy is a (hushed whisper) stay-at-home dad, does the answer change? Surely it should not, he is after all the same daddy; however, society still tends to look upon a man who stays home with his kids differently than a woman who chooses the same. I grant you this is changing as more men are opting to take a more direct role in the upbringing of their children, but changing cultural and ingrained ideals is slow.
A search on Wikipedia of the terms “stay-at-home mom” and “stay-at-home dad” provides a slightly humorous, albeit sad comparison.
A stay-at-home dad is described in terms of evolution of family roles and the statistics showing the rise in men who choose to stay at home. In contrast a stay at-home mom is referred to as the manager of the household in charge of such services as feeding babies, wiping noses and bottoms, cleaning the home and you get the picture.
But all men are not Mr. Mom.
(In fact I learned from many great dads across the world when this post first broke that they have banished these words.)
My husband became a stay-at-home dad in 2010 after the birth of our daughter. He was nowhere near being the bumbling buffoon stay-at-home dads are portrayed to be. Did he know everything? No, but heck neither did I. Our decision to have him stay home was based on pure talent allocation, as my husband is certainly the more temperamentally suited of us to take on the child-rearing task.
And he enjoyed being at home with our daughter. Let me say this again as it is important; he truly enjoyed every minute he got to spend as a stay-at-home dad. I know you are asking what is the downside, well he was usually the only dad at the library baby group and the park and play dates were a bit difficult as many moms did not want to meet with dad and kid (so they would send their husbands) or not schedule the play date. The most difficult aspect for him was the disapproval, not from family and certainly not from me (I reaped the benefit of full concentration on my career knowing my baby was well-cared for) but from others, strangers who would give a look or an “oh” when he would state that he was a stay-at-home dad.
It is worth a note that gender equity suffers when such stereotypes are allowed to prevail.
But I have hope.
Earlier this month Max Schireson announced his resignation as CEO of MongoDB in favor of spending more quality time with his family. This decision was praised by many as a way to open the dialog around flexible work schedules. I believe his decision will continue to break the mold of what a stay-at-home dad looks like. The men who choose to be stay-at-home dads are not men who could not find work and settled for the stay-at-home gig, they are educated men who make decisions based on the needs of their families and choose to spend time on their families.
As the definition of family evolves and we socialize more about work and life balance, we must ask should we be moving past the stereotypes of which parent does what?
Editor’s Note: Nicole is a regular reader of the blog. When she submitted this piece for consideration, I kept thinking while Nicole is uber remarkable for the all she is, Nicole’s husband is pretty remarkable too, as are all of the daddies out there. We are truly living in remarkable times. To follow a few awesome stay-at-home dads to learn more about them and their remarkable-ness, check out the following folks on Twitter: DadNCharge, Modern Father Online, and Dada
Update: Nicole and I decided to change the title to this post to be more reflective of the topic. Thanks to all the dads out there who set the record straight! For more great info on work at home dads, read these great resources.
Love it! I’m a work-from-home single dad and I can relate to all of this. I have loved being home with my boys during the Summers, and packing lunches, getting them to/from school, going on field trips and helping with homework. The cooking, cleaning, laundry, and various form of wiping (not so much anymore now that they are 17 & 11) have all been a labor of love! Great post! Thanks!
You’re my hero. 2? I have my hands full with one but lucky we have 2 of us 🙂
Bruce, thank you for the comment, I am glad the post resonated with you. Your boys are quite lucky to have such a great dad! My husband really enjoyed his time as a SAHD and as you said, a labor of love that the kiddos benefit from greatly!
Love this article Nicole. My husband was a stay-at-home Dad for a while when the children were little and he found it incredibly difficult. Mind you that was in the West of England where attitudes can be more ‘traditional’ shall we say. It looks like the world has moved on, but there is a long way to go still. The more we hear stories like this the better as they help to shift people’s hidden biases. Thanks for sharing.
Clare, thank you for your comment, there is still work to be done. I hope as more and more men take an active, leading role in caring for their children, these attitudes will begin to lessen. Our kids gain so much by having such active dad’s in their lives!
Thank you for speaking out. I’ve been a stay at home dad for 16 years. Those early years of discrimination and loneliness were pretty rough, but it is getting better. I encourage more dads to stay at home as the rewards and benefits for you and your children are innumerable. You can follow me at http://DayParentDad.com
Russell, I love your page, I have added it to our favorites so my husband and I can continue to follow you. I am glad to hear your situation is improving, it is a shame that others are so quick to put down a SAHD, yet would not dare to make the same comment about a SAHM. I also agree that our kiddos benefit greatly by having a strong daddy in their lives!
Nicole, I appreciate this post so much as a stay at home dad who constantly hears from people “Oh, are you giving mommy a day off today?” or “Are you taking good care of daddy?” The isolation can be killer especially if you live in an area where not providing for your family in the traditional sense is frowned upon. That is why I am glad to be a part of the National At Home Dad Network at http://homedadnet.org as well as blogging about my experiences at home at http://dadncharge.com. Our annual convention is a way for stay at home dads to connect and realize that they aren’t alone, ance receive support from their peers for a change. I only wish that the title was called “Modern Parenting: NOT Mr. Mom Style” as Mr. Mom is a term that irks many SAHDs like myself. We don’t call working women Mrs. Dad because they work or refer to all male nurses as Gaylord Focker do we? That term belittles what we are, which should just be “dad”. Thank you for writing about this Nicole. Hopefully we as a society can move past this notion that a caring father should be called Mr. Mom just because they are the primary caregiver of their children. We need a rebranding!
Chris – Love your site. It was nice “meeting” you a few weeks back when I wrote about my husband who works. I’m proud of what men and daddy’s are doing today. I think there’s a lot going on this space and very educational to those who are thinking about doing it. I have been a semi SAHM for a few months this summer after leaving a big corporate job late this spring. My daughter is 3 and I don’t want to miss this time.
Great “meeting” you as well. I only hope that the author considers a title change due to the reasons I mentioned above and the suggestions Chris Routly gave on Twitter. Stay at home parents are all in the same boat, and the support as such means moving past what gender means to the role and just focusing on parenting which is the same across the board.
Chris, thank you for your comment and the information. I really love your blog and have also included it on our favorites list to follow. Had I really included all background information in my piece it would have sounded almost verbatim like your background. My husband was much more qualified to stay home with our daughter than I, he is, like you, much more patient and really, really wanted to stay at home with her.
I meant no disrespect with the title of my piece, it was really more of a sarcastic, tongue in cheek title to point out the absurdity that dads are not qualified to take on the parenting role. I really was appalled at the Wikipedia definitions of SAHD and SAHM and the point of my piece was to look beyond gender and realize that men can take care of the home just as capably as women and women can work in jobs just as capably as men. I am happy to change the title, what do you think of “Modern Parenting: Daddy Style”?
Next up on the banned list needs to be babysitting. I am sorry but daddy’s are not babysitting, they are caring for their own children and doing it quite well!
Russell – I love the BURNT toast section. Hilarious. I’m following.
Thanks for the link to my Twitter account Katie. I’m not a SAHD but a WAHD although having a wife that works every Saturday and who trusts me to babysit my kids that day I can relate 1/7th of the time.
And for anyone wanting to find out more about the life of SAHDs or dads who are already doing it but without support, Chris Bernholdt is your man. Check out those links he provided in his comment.
I tried to link to a few of you who read my last article. I love Chris’ site. Good stuff. There’s a large community of dads out there I can tell. I was explaining to Nicole her husband should get plugged in.
It is not Mr. Mom. It is about being an active and engaged Dad. Accepting responsibilities routinely “assigned” to females (traditionally speaking) does not diminish the manliness of any man steeping into the role. Just as a woman who advances up the corporate ladder is any less female as she advances. Families make choices based on a number of factors. Some woman work in professions which pay significantly more than an average wage. Just as there are males that are both capable and skilled enough to cook, clean and care for a child. One day society will cast off out dated social mores which do nothing to explain the social evolution which has taken place in the last 20 or so years. Being a full time Dad has been the most rewarding and significant job I have ever done. I am just a Dad living a great life being a grounding force for my family. If you must label to uunderstand this, simply call be a full time Dad. I do agree, it is up to Stay at Home Dad’s to define ourselves instead of letting others.
The author of the article Nicole chose the title. And was trying her best at a catchy title. We were taking new title of this blog post suggestions on twitter – do you have one?
Tony, thank you for your comment. I meant no disrespect to stay-at-home dads, my husband spent two and one-half years as a SAHD and is the primary caretaker for our daughter. I picked the title as a bit of sarcasm, to highlight the absurdity that a dad cannot care for his children as well as the mother. My family is proof that not only can dads care for their kids, they are excellent at it! I really was appalled when I searched for a definition of SAHD and SAHM, and found such a striking difference. There was no mention of dad actually doing anything for their kids, it was described in terms of economic necessity that dad really stayed at home. I am happy to change the title, would “Modern Parenting: Daddy Style” work? I would love to hear any suggestions you have!
Thank you so much for your response to this! I have been a full-time stay-at-home dad (by choice) for over 17 years now. By oldest begins her senior year in high school tomorrow. As someone mentioned above, the first years were pretty hard & lonely, but it has gotten better and my role is more accepted now. My wife has always been my biggest supporter, and I can’t thank her enough for the opportunity I have had. Thank you!
Rusty, thank you for your comment. I am glad the post has resonated with so many and I am encouraged by all the dads out there who take on this awesome role within their families! I really believe the kids of today will grow and become such wonderful individuals, having such love and support from their dads! I also hope by the continued dialogue that someday being a SAHD will be just as accepted as being a SAHM, with no distinctions or remarks being made. The thank you and the support is a two-way street, I am sure your wife would thank you for being such a great support to her. I want to thank all the dads for being such wonderful supports to their families!
typo…”MY oldest” 🙂
As the others have said, as a stay-at-home dad myself (2yrs to my 2 1/2 yr old), it’s always nice to read positive articles about us. And I’d also add that I like the term ‘Mr. Mom’! Maybe it’s because I’m English, so we don’t use the word Mom (It’s Mum), but also because it reminds me of being a kid in the 80’s. I don’t feel it belittles me or my role. It’s a cute reminder of a time when being an at-home dad WAS considered weird, and when Michael Keaton made comedies. So I vote you keep the title. It’s a phrase that isn’t going to go away. I reckon we embrace it. It’s no big deal…
But please fix those apostrophes in your first line! 😉
Got those fixed for ya – and even changed the title! What do you guys think?
Thank you for your comment. My husband agreed with you regarding the title; however, popular opinion won out. I am happy my piece resonated with so many. I hope we see more positive articles about SAHD’s. I would love to see the day when families can choose the right combination of stay-at-home/working that works for them and not have snide remarks made.
Honestly? I don’t like the new title… I don’t ‘work’ at home. My wife goes to work, I ‘parent’ at home. So I feel the title doesn’t apply to me any more, as well as being a less interesting and humourless term.
Sorry, I know this is a minefield, and there are few things worse about the online world then a lady being harangued by a bunch of men, so I’ll bow out – and thank you for your thoughtful article!
Stay? 🙂
A good morning to you from the southern tip of africa.
I found this article encouraging, as i am a stay-at-home dad now for the last year. I am father to three magnificent children, my youngest was born with infantile glaucoma, so he is 90% blind in one eye so he is a special needs child. The most severe part of his condition is that his eye drop have a side effect of photophobia, which is sever light sensitivity, so he can only go outside with a hat and shades on.
Hes turning 2 in October 15th.
My older two are 9 and 11, both homeschooling.
So, you can imagine that this is quite a challenge having a toddler in the throws of the “terrible 2’s” and two tweens.
Im 28 and finding it a battle at times where i feel very un-appreciated, and looked down by our neighbours. My wife and the father of the older 2 kiddies work in a resort in south africa called Sun city, so we live onsite, in the timeshare units.
The family set up gets us called weirdo’s plenty. The bottom line is, the three of us have set aside our petty bs and are doing whats best for our kids (its a bit of a yours mine and yours situation) as my wifes ex, stephen is the father of the older two kiddies and i am the daddy of the youngest.
He has looked after my kid when i was working as i am now looking after his. My wife myself and steve are all best friends.
I am just struggling to adapt fully to the stay at home lifestyle, its hard work and sometimes i feel like its a joke to other people who call me mr. mom, and that is why i despise the name. I am captain dad. The way i see it, is that i have dedicated my life to my special needs son, and my stepkids education and well being.
People seem to think that i am a free loader, just staying at home and letting my wife pay the bills. This makes me very unhappy and i get very dispondant, sometimes downright depressed about it.
Generaly, i just tell them to go and ‘fly a kite’ but eventualy it does get to me in a big way.
because of this i no longer see or speak to these people who are all friends and family, but, the sad thing is they seem to feel the same as i dont see them anymore either even though we live in the same neighborhood.
Thanks for giving me the platform and opportunity here to vent to like minded people.
.
Aaron – people are cruel and only judge when they haven’t experienced something themselves. Hats off to you for juggling all of this. Your children are so fortunate to call you daddy!
Aaron, I am really glad you found encouragement with the piece. I would encourage you to view the other resources mentioned above, you are not definately not alone. There are many dad’s in your same position. It is unfortunate that many out there love to pass judgment without fully understanding a family dynamic. I am encouraged as the face of families evolves to include a number of possibilities, that each will be accepted in time. Stay strong and know you are doing the best you can for your kiddos, which is all that counts.
FT at home 8 years with 9.5 yo twin girls. Just worked out better for us and they are much better off. Just saw “mom” friend on vaca and she “needs” to get me a pedi apparently. 😉
Nice article. Thx
Full time Dad works for me.
Nicole:
I look forward to reading the full article. Thank you for being receptive to “our” concerns about the term, “Mr. Mom”.
Well written, Katie. At-home dads thank you. Just a parent, doing my thing and after 5 and a half years with my kids, my tenure is coming to an end soon. I’ll always appreciate the time I was able to spend with them and remind myself, despite the hit to my personal career that time with them is not something to regret. There will be days when I get back to work when I’ll relish the fact I can move about without changing diapers, packing enough supplies and snacks for a week in the wild and buckling in the kids to 5 point harnesses before I could swing by a coffee shop, but I think there will be more times I wish I could call them over for a squeeze.
Eric
http://www.DadOnTheRun.com
Eric, thank you for the applause. Although you may miss the little things you did with your kids on a daily basis, it is amazing the lasting impact your time with them will have on their lives. I still marval at the awesome relationship my daughter has with her daddy, something that no detractor can take from them.
Apologies, I realize it was Nicole who wrote the article. My applause remains, sorry for the oversight.
After the title stating Mr. Mom I was eager to hate it…but really enjoyed the write up? It is a pleasure to be a SAHD and not everyone sees it as that. Tajiks the title coud be offensive it was a great refreshing read. While the new title is better I think it lost some pizzaz…I feel bad you felt the need to change it but enjoyed the willingness to listen.
Eliminate the Funny word the IPad messed up…
I would like to again say it was a refreshing read, I hope your husband enjoyed reading it and it made his day.
Marc, I am glad you enjoyed the piece. My husband did appreciate the write up (and actually approved the title). I do appreciate the attitudes that many SAHD’s experience from others and I do not want to disrespect all you do, so I was happy to change the title.
Really enjoyed this piece! I’m an at-home dad and have embraced the role from the get go. It’s been the most challenging work I’ve ever done and also the most intrinsically rewarding. What better person to be a teacher to and spend time with each and every day, than my own child. I’m fortunate to have a supportive wife to go on this crazy parenting journey together with as well as have the support and camaraderie of an active community and social network like NYC Dads Group (and now City Dads Group). It’s made all of the difference in my role. I enjoy reading articles that move the conversation forward on dads role in the family unit. This does exactly that!